Family
by panatlantic
Summary: a tentative link convinces Ryuichi that Shuichi is his son ^^U [COMPLETE]
1. Prologue

Shuichi stifled a snicker finding Ryuichi in Tohma's office . . . boy was he ever gonna get it.  
  
"Shuichi. I have something very important to tell you."  
  
Snicker. So serious . . .  
  
"Ohhh. . . that's good Sakuma-san . . . just like him!"  
  
"I'm . . . being serious Shuichi."  
  
"Maaa . . . Tohma ALWAYS calls me Shindo-san! Shin-do-san!" Corrected Shuichi. "Let me try! Let me try!" Begged Shuichi, clearing his throat in an attempt to lower his voice to match Tohma. Which was a lost cause since he couldn't stop giggling which only drove him octaves higher.  
  
"Go ahead Shindo-san." Shuichi froze as the real Seguchi Tohma made himself known. Shuichi's jaw hit the floor, before smirking to himself since Ryuichi was the one in Tohma's chair with his feet on Tohma's desk Nyeheheheheh. - that had to be worth more reprisal than wearing your bosses coat and hat while . . . - damn why did he have to be so good at improvisation?  
  
Tohma simply raised an eyebrow at Ryuichi askance. Ryuichi raised two eyebrows in return. Tohma knew when he was beat and submissively sat in a vacant chair off to the side.  
  
"Shuichi." Declared Ryuichi. "I have something very important to tell you." He started over.  
  
"Oh my gawd! I'm fired! I'm fired aren't I?" Screamed Shuichi grasping his cheeks in shock. "You didn't have to get Ryuichi to tell me!" He directed an accusatory look at Tohma. "I would have gone quietly!"  
  
"You're not fired Shindo-san." Supplied Tohma with a sigh, curious as to what Ryuichi had to say that required the hijacking of his office.  
  
"Arghhh!!! Has Yuki been in an accident?!?!?" Screamed Shuichi in blind panic.  
  
"No, Yuki is fine." Tohma confirmed.  
  
"Than has. . . has . . . " Actually, aside from Yuki being on his deathbed or being fired, Shuichi couldn't think of anything else that could possibly bother him. "Oh. Uhm. What is it then?" He asked somewhat meekly.  
  
"Shuichi!" Declared Ryuichi, placing one foot on Tohma's chair while pointing triumphantly to the ceiling. Shuichi looked up. "I! AM! YOUR FATHER!"  
  
"I am the Son of God! Me!" Shuichi cheered. Tohma stood up from where he was sitting deciding to take the rest of the day off, taking only a slight detour to shake Shuichi out of his coat. "This is so cool!" Squealed Shuichi. This made perfect, perfect sense! Why people always said he looked like Ryuichi and acted like Ryuichi and sounded like . . . and hey, no one else in his family could hold a note. . . oops . . . except . . . except, "Demo. . . I already have a father." Pointed out Shuichi.  
  
Ryuichi turned dangerously narrowed eyes on Shuichi who gulped nervously.  
  
********** * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Kei happened to be looking out a window when Tohma exited the NG building. Kei knew Tohma's schedule because he made a point of knowing everyone's schedule. Who was meant to be where and when. Like a rat leaving a sinking ship. He mused. If Tohma was there, then where was Shuichi? Shuichi had rather reluctantly been called off to Tohma's office and hadn't returned yet. Checking his six hidden and two not so hidden weapons quickly he made for Tohma's office.  
  
********** * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Uh huh. Uh huh. Yep. Yep." Answered Ryuichi into the phone, scribbling notes in various coloured crayons into his sketchpad. "I see. Thankyou Mrs. Shuichi's Mom." He hung up the phone, turning back to Shuichi with a malevolent grin. "Okay, your mom said its okay for me to be your dad from now on." Stated Ryuichi. "An' Kumagaroo and you and me will all live happily together an'. . . "  
  
Ryuichi frowned disapprovingly at Shuichi. He'd asked wardrobe to fit his long lost son with a rabbit suit so he wouldn't be jealous of Kumagarou's fuzziness, so he didn't know why they'd sent him back in fishnets and a leotard. . . though the ears and cotton tail were a definite improvement.  
  
"Don't wanna!" Declared Shuichi removing the rabbit ears contemptuously.  
  
"Aw . . . Shu-chans ears came off. . ." Ryuichi explained to the stuffed rabbit. "Don't cry Kumagarou, Ryu-tousan will make it allllll better!" He exclaimed rummaging through Tohma's drawers. "Aha!" He declared producing a stapler. "First aid!" Shuichi suddenly decided wearing the ears wasn't such a bad thing.  
  
"Don't worry, Shumagarou." Whispered Ryuichi patting Shuichi's back in what he supposed was a fatherly way. "Daddy will buy you some Rogaine."  
  
********** * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Shuichi was sick of this game. He hoped Ryuichi would get bored of it soon too. It was boring and. . . and . . .. humiliating!  
  
"Ah! I have it!" Yelped Shuichi. "You can't be my father 'cos you're too young!" Smirk Smirk.  
  
"Iie!" Declared Ryuichi. "Kumagarou did the math!" In evidence the crayon calculations were presented to Shuichi. "You just have to be a minimum of four years younger. did you know you're only 14 Shumagarou?" He asked.  
  
"Ack!" If Shuichi was only 14 then he was underage! If he was underage than that meant. . . ! As if reading his mind, Ryuichi delivered the finishing blow.  
  
"No more bad Yuki for you!"  
  
"NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
********** * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Yuuuuuuuukiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" Squealed Shuichi when Yuki entered the office (finally). Actually, much to Ryuichi's displeasure, Shuichi had been screaming for Yuki for quite a while now - just this time it happened to herald the entrance of his arch-nemesis-to-be.  
  
Yuki grimaced. When Kei had called him 'explaining' (in the least sense of the word) that Shuichi had been taken hostage by a madman this wasn't exactly how he had envisioned the situation.  
  
"We meet at last, Yuki Eiri. Or should I say . . . " Ryuichi paused dramatically. "Yuki Usagi!" He accused as if confronting his mortal enemy, which in fact he thought he was doing.  
  
"Demo. . . " Interrupted Shuichi. "You've met Yuki lots of times Sakuma-sa. . . " Ryuichi glared the glare of glaring hypercute death. ". . . er . . . I mean Ryu-tousan." Amended Shuichi nervously.  
  
Eiri wondered exactly when Tohma had had manacles installed in his office as Shuichi strained at the chains in an attempt to glomp him. . . yes he'd definitely have to get a set of those at home, he thought as Shuichi slumped defeated. When there were no further denouncements on Shuichi's behalf, Yuki deigned to add, "Uesegi. My name is Uesegi, not Usagi."  
  
"You admit it!" Screeched Ryuichi triumphantly. "I knew you were the mastermind behind all of this!"  
  
"All of what?" Asked Yuki in that tone that suggested he neither knew nor cared (also technically true). Ryuichi, incensed by Yuki's lack of knowledge, puffed out his cheeks in frustration.  
  
"You! You! Brainwashed my Shumagarou so he doesn't remember me!"  
  
"I did nothing of the sort." Sniffed Yuki.  
  
"You shaved off Shumagarou's lovely hair!"  
  
Well that made Yuki turn a lovely shade of pink - so close to Kumagarou's own that Ryuichi wondered if maybe he had the wrong one. but nah, Yuki was way to old.  
  
"He did that himself!" Denied Yuki.  
  
"You molested my urk!" Ryuichi toppled when Kei pistol-whipped him from behind. In retrospect he decided maybe this wasn't such a good idea . . . he considered slipping the assault weapon into Shuichi's hand and acting innocent, but placing a loaded weapon in Shuichi's hands seemed an even worse option.  
  
"A blow to the skull . . ." Mused Kei.  
  
"He should only be out for a few minutes then." Reasoned Yuki, presuming Ryuichi had the same unnaturally thick skull as Shuichi who could take the greatest of blows to the head without repercussion. Perhaps there was some validity to this claim of Ryuichi's after all.  
  
"Lets go! Lets go!" Whined Shuichi nervously tugging Yuki out of the office.  
  
"How did you . . . ?"  
  
"Geez Yuki I picked the locks already. . . I got lots of skills you don't know about, how do you think I get back in every time you change the locks? ('cos you keep forgetting to give me the new key! - I swear you're so paranoid)"  
  
********** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"This is not over Usagi-san. . . Shumagarou will! Be! Ours!" Ryuichi laughed insanely from his crumpled heap on the floor.  
  
TBC 


	2. 2

"Hurry up Yuki! I'm freezing my butt off here!" Whined Shuichi still in his bunny suit while Yuki fumbled with his keys. Yuki maintained it was Shuichi's own fault he'd ended up wearing it so he had to deal with the consequences. 'Yeah right'. Thought Shuichi convinced that slightly lecherous leer on Yuki's usually emotionless face was more connected to his current state of disdress . . . er. . . distress. "It's the friggin' middle of winter! You coulda lent me your coat dammit!"  
  
Yuki, instead of denying or even just responding with his usual frosty silence, placed a restraining arm in front of Shuichi, blocking his entrance to the apartment, flicking on the lights and looking around nervously.  
  
"I thought I heard something. . . " He explained sheepishly. A crash from the bedroom and Yuki ran to check what had caused it. Seeing Yuki round the bedroom door, Shuichi checked under the doormat, pocketing his key, which Yuki had absolutely, absolutely forbidden him from leaving there.  
  
"It's a burglar! A burglar!" Came Yuki's OOC but cute, excited voice from the bedroom.  
  
Relieved it hadn't been his fault another otaku had gotten in (or at least that it couldn't be proven since he had the key now) Shuichi trotted off to see what was up.  
  
"Oh. . . Hi Sakano." Stated Shuichi casually flipping on the light switch in the bedroom before rummaging through a couple draws for something to wear. Yuki, robbed of his prey let Sakano drop to the floor. "Why're you here?"  
  
"Well I was sent to. . ."  
  
"Do you want some tea?" Interrupted Shuichi with wobbly eyes, discarding the clothes quest, sacrifices had to be made if one was to be the perfect hostess after all.  
  
"Actually I just . . .  
  
"I'll make it!" Declared Shuichi skipping off to the kitchen leaving a slightly miffed, Shuichi-less Yuki in his lieu.  
  
**************** * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Tohma. I need a Psychologist." Stated Ryuichi into the phone.  
  
"Tohma? Tohma? Are you there?"  
  
"Tohma? Are you crying?"  
  
"People cry when they're happy?!" Exclaimed Ryuichi delighted. Well! That explained everything! Those weren't tears of pain and embarrassment as Shuichi had implied, Shuichi was SOOOO happy to be reunited with Ryuichi and Kumagarou that he'd cried tears of joy!  
  
Ryuichi cried tears of joy at his revelation.  
  
Highly overrated, he decided, but the boy had been out of his care too long, and was bound to pick up bad habits. Yup. Once Ryuichi had him back under his control, Shumagarou would be a born again rabbit.  
  
**************** * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Sakano-san." Asked Yuki, snagging the producer's sleeve as he made to exit. "How did you get in here?"  
  
"Don't be ridiculous Yuki!" Chided Shuichi. "How do you think Tohma gets in here all the time?"  
  
"Shuichi. . . how many times do I have to tell you Tohma does not have a secret passage into my apartment."  
  
Sakano by this point was sweating buckets while K made silencing motions behind Yuki's back.  
  
"It's true! How else do you explain it?" Whined Shuichi. "He just appears!"  
  
"Er . . . There was a spare key under the door mat?" Sakano suggested lamely. Yuki glared at Shuichi.  
  
"I'm onto you Seguchi!" Screamed Shuichi in triumph, imagining being able to shave minutes off transit to and from NG using the legendary secret tunnel and spending precious extra time with Yuki.  
  
Shuichi skipped by in the background preparing tea in his bunny suit. Deft fingers snagged Yuki's beer can replacing it with tea, earning a glare from the author. Then there was a knock on the door.  
  
"I'll get it!" Enthused Shuichi prancing to the door and pulling it open so 'genkily' it nearly broke its hinges.  
  
. . . and Tatsuha thought he'd died and gone to heaven.  
  
To be honest this wasn't quite the welcoming he had envisioned, more of a 'YukiIranawayfromhome(kinda)soI'mstayingwithyouforacoupledaysbutdon'ttellthe megabitchi'mherenowexcusemewhileiglompyourcutecuteboyfriendwhichwillundoubta bleypissyouoffbutyou'llletmestayanywayjusttoannoymika' occasion. Instead he was greeted by the aforementioned boyfriend, grinning broadly, dressed rather deliciously and holding out a tray with a beer.  
  
Shuichi scratched his forearm nervously looking up at Tatsuha's vacant eyes. Must be some kind of monk thing, he decided, since Tatsuha kept chanting words of gratitude to god. Shuichi was awed, he had had no idea Tatsuha was so devoted to the temple. He had always just presumed Tatsuha was a lech. Well live and learn.  
  
"Yukiiiii! Tatsuha's doing something weird! Make him stop!" Whined Shuichi once the novelty wore off.  
  
Yuki, remembering how Shuichi was dressed made a dash for the door to escort his younger brother as well as make it entirely obvious that Shuichi was Yuki's property and Yuki had no intention of sharing. It turned out to be unnecessary since Tatsuha was currently out for the count (presumably from bloodloss if that nose bleed was any indicator). Yuki deftly shouldered the brat (the one related) and dumped him unceremoniously of the couch while Shuichi scowled at Tatsuha who was drooling into his blanket.  
  
"So let me get this straight, Ryuichi thinks Shumagar. . . " Yuki grimaced at his near use of the name, before correcting. "That Shuichi is his long lost son?" The large sweatdrop on Sakano's head was confirmation enough.  
  
"Can't you make him stop?" Asked Shuichi to the surprise of all present. "What? You think I want to be Sakuma Ryuichi's lovechild?" It might have been more surprising to hear Shuichi deny any implication of the kind if it wasn't for the slightly glazed look that came over his eyes, not to mention the drooling at the mention of Ryuichi's name.  
  
"That's great!" Chirped Tatsuha instantly revived by talk of his idol. "When me and Ryuichi get married, that means I'll be your step-mom!" Sliding over to Shuichi he ran a hand up Shuichi's thigh and added breathily, "You know Freud says all boy's are in love with their mothers and. . ." With a practiced ease Yuki swatted Tatsuha away.  
  
"Actually Sakuma-san as the head of NG-studio's can pretty much make Shuichi do whatever he asks since Tohma makes everyone who signs with NG fill in this!" Sakano held up the contract for Yuki.  
  
"'I will do whatever NG wants or die. Signed Shindo Shuichi.' What the hell? You actually signed that?" Yuki asked Shuichi, incredulous.  
  
Shuichi shrugged.  
  
"It seemed like a good idea at the time . . ."  
  
"You'd be amazed Yuki-san. Most artists thinks it's a joke and sign to play along. . ." Mused Sakano.  
  
"Since when is Sakuma-san the head of NG anyway?" Asked Shuichi defensively.  
  
"Majority shareholder." Chorused both Sakano and K, sighing wearily.  
  
Yuki and Shuichi sweatdropped.  
  
"Well. I really have to go now." Remarked K into the silence that followed. "My continued presence could be misinterpreted as corporate sabotage." He walked into Yuki's bedroom and promptly disappeared. This would have been the proof Shuichi needed except he wasn't paying attention.  
  
"Uhm. Me too?" Suggested Sakano, not being one to push his luck, exiting through the conventional door.  
  
"Shuichi. You left your key under the doormat again."  
  
"Ah! No I didn't!" Squealed the accused. "I have it right here. . . somewhere. . . " Too late he remembered bunny suit's had no pocket's and he'd left the key in the kitchen.  
  
"If I don't punish you, you'll never learn." Whispered Yuki huskily trailing kisses up Shuichi's shoulder.  
  
"But I really have my key!" Wailed Shuichi tears springing to his eye's at the thought of being punished. "I just left it in the kitch. . .!. . . oh. . . you mean THAT kind of punish!" Finished Shuichi with a purr as Yuki pulled him closer and . . .  
  
"Hello! I'm still in the room!" Commented Tatsuha peevishly earning two startled and not in the happy-to-see-you kind of way. "Fine! Just stay here and like keep making out or whatever. Yuki, I'm sleeping in your room, so try to keep the noise down so I can sleep." He trudged off to the bedroom. A moment later he peered out again with a thoughtful look on his face, "But if you feel like a threesome I might be game. . . "  
  
Glare.  
  
"Geez. . . It was just a thought!" He defended, clutching his chest as though physically wounded by the rejection.  
  
Glare.  
  
"Alright. Alright. I'm going." He mumbled pulling the door shut behind him.  
  
******************* * * * * ** * *  
  
TBC 


	3. 3

*** * * * * * * * ************** * * * * ** * ** **  
  
Yuki examined his dark roots in the bathroom mirror with a curse. Unlike SOME people who he would not dignify by mentioning by name (Cough. Shuichi. Cough.) Yuki had to work to keep his hair his colour of choice. Suddenly he understood why Tohma (American though he might be, also not a natural blond) had such a reliance on hats.  
  
Finding nothing to remedy the problem in the bathroom he headed with what little dignity he could muster, to raid the bleach from the laundry.  
  
"Forget it." Mocked Tatsuha as Yuki rummaged through the cupboards. "He got all of it this time."  
  
Shuichi had grown paranoid of Tatsuha's Yuki cos-play (with good reason) and when Tatsuha visited routinely disposed of anything he deemed likely to cause blonde-ness the way of dead fishes and other small housepets. Yuki looked at the toilet morosely before deciding dunking his head and flushing was probably not going to help. Turning to confront Tatsuha (after all, it was his fault) he was momentarily blinded by Tatsuha's newly blonded hair.  
  
"Then how come you.!" He demanded angrily.  
  
"He missed the hydrogen peroxide in the first aid kit, and yes, before you ask, there isn't any left. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go molest Shuichi."  
  
Yuki grumbling to himself went and collapsed into his bed which had now been vacated and decided not to come out again until the house was empty.  
  
****************** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Shuichi was curled up in a ball at the very end of the couch sleeping soundly, presumably this was because the remainder of the couch had been previously occupied by Eiri.  
  
Shuichi was still fully dressed in his rabbit garb, proving to Tatsuha once and for all just what an un-healthy relationship Eiri and Shuichi had (as is commonly known to 16 year olds everywhere, a relationship cannot be based solely on love, there has to be sex - and since sex customarily involves disrobing, and Shuichi's outfit showed no signs of tampering . . .).  
  
Slipping into the Yuki sized vacancy on the couch (which as fate (or rather genetics) would have it was also Tatsuha sized, he wrapped his arm around the sexy little beast.  
  
"Get up, Shuichi-chan. We only have about twenty minute's of make-out time before Tatsuha wakes up."  
  
"Ah! Yuki!" Squealed Shuichi clutching Tatsuha's middle in a death vice and threatening to break ribs. "I had a horrible, horrible dream! Ryuichi cut off my hand. Then Tohma came and blasted us both with lightening! Then the Ewoks destroyed th. . . " Waaaaait a sec. Yuki never woke him up to say anything more profound than 'move it brat, you're cutting off my circulation' and even then, never ever called him 'Shuichi-chan' - and certainly didn't call it 'make-out time' either (hey the guys a romance novelist). That could only mean one thing, imminent molestation. Oops, scratch that, if that hand on his ass was any indication it had already begun.  
  
"Waaaah! Let me go Tatsuha!" Squealed Shuichi to his blonde yuki-esque captor. Scouring his brain for answers, Shuichi finally sighing in defeat, "Medkit?"  
  
"Bingo."  
  
"Damn." He cursed smacking his fist into his open palm. "Shoulda realized sooner. Yuki's never up before me - he hardly ever gets out of bed before noon!"  
  
Tatsuha really, really, really, wanted to tell Shuichi that Eiri was the vainest man in Japan and was always up at the crack of dawn primping to look so adorable sleeping when his lover woke up, but decided it wasn't worth the wrath-of-aniki. Shuichi would find out soon enough (and if the gods were with him Tatsuha would be there to witness it - being a monk had its advantages).  
  
Shuichi meanwhile, had used his chibi-no-jutsu to escape Tatsuha's grasp.  
  
". . . . You're really going to have to teach me how you do that one day." Remarked a perplexed Tatsuha.  
  
"It's not something you can just learn, you have to be born with the ability." Shuichi replied, still chibi, piku-pikuing. Tatsuha repressed a shudder.  
  
". . . Uhm. Okay." Tatsuha managed, having not really been expecting an answer. "So. . . what's for breakfast?" He asked as normal-type Shuichi reappeared.  
  
********* * * * * * * * * * * ** * ** * * * *  
  
Having apologized profusely for not being able to prepare a traditional Japanese breakfast (but Eiri had forbidden him from using knives after the incident with the cheesecake which ultimately saw Aniki in hospital with eight stitches) Shuichi had retired to the Kitchen to prepare instant ramen.  
  
Unexpectedly (probably. . . neither Shuichi nor Aniki seemed the type to have too many early morning visitors so Tatsuha presumed it was unexpected) there was knock at the door. Naturally being the only occupant of the house presently unoccupied, Tatsuha went to answer.  
  
Being no one's fool, he checked the peephole first (it could be a group of Yuki's fans, for example, that might molest him, or Shuichi's fans who might lynch him thinking he was Yuki, or worst of all, it could be *shudder* Mika). Peering through the lens he saw another eye peering back.  
  
Now to anyone else that might mean nothing. But Tatsuha was a die-hard Sakuma Ryuichi fan and as such had studied every detail, picture and bio of his idol for the last 16 years (though he would argue 16 years, nine months, no fan club as of yet accepted pre natal cognition - so basically he had to accept being born loving Ryuichi (officially)).  
  
This endowed Tatsuha to be able to identify Sakuma Ryuichi just from the colour and patterning of his iris. It's a little known fact that thanks to bribing an optician in Nagasaki he could have confirmed his primary observation by examining Sakuma's retina. This didn't occur to Tatsuha who was going into the primary stages of shock. Instead he opened the door a tiny bit to peer out, confirming his suspicion, before slamming the door shut again.  
  
It really was Sakuma-sama!  
  
"Open the door Uesegi!" Screamed Ryuichi in fury.  
  
What the heck?  
  
"I know you're in there!"  
  
Eh? How? Why? He had to be dreaming. Sakuma Ryuichi was at the door!  
  
". . . . when I get my hands on you. . . . grrr . . . "  
  
Sakuma Ryuichi was at the door and wanted to get his hands on him. Life was good.  
  
". . . you have my baby!"  
  
Sakuma Ryuichi was at the door and wanted him, Uesegi Tatsuha, to have his baby. Life was really good!  
  
Without further thought he yanked the door open.  
  
"KUMAGAROU BEA_MU!" Cried Ryuichi launching the fuzzy pink projectile. Now normally when one gets hit in the head with a plushy its no great deal (unless they have sharp edge's or something of course) however today Kumagarou was in full battle regalia, and when one gets hit in the head with 18kg of chain mail one tends to go down and stay down (regardless of how cute and fluffy the occupant of the body armor is).  
  
Well. That had been way too easy. Ryuichi toed his fallen enemy a little disappointed, before remembering his true mission to liberate Shumagarou. Stepping over the fallen bad-guy Ryuichi strode into the apartment to look for Shuichi while Sakano deftly called an ambulance.  
  
"Shumagarou! I found you!" Ryuichi cried excited upon finding Shuichi in the kitchen prying the lid off a cup-noodle with a knife. "Argh! Don't you know you shouldn't play with knives!"  
  
This from someone who Tohma wouldn't even allow to play with safety scissors anymore?  
  
"Oh the humanity! Forced into slavery for that vile mans needs! No more! I've rid the world of that fiend known as Usagi Yuki!" Declared Ryuichi triumphant.  
  
"Uesegi." Corrected Yuki, fetching a beer from the fridge.  
  
Ryuichi screamed, ran to the entrance and peered at the fallen foe that was being given CPR by K and Sakano. Back to the kitchen. Entrance. Kitchen. Entrance. This went on for some time.  
  
"I should have known you would have an army of evil clones!" Remarked Ryuichi with forced calm.  
  
K and Sakano, apparently satisfied that their boss wouldn't be put away for murder left the revived but dazed Tatsuha to join their boss in the kitchen.  
  
Yuki, having finished his beer, crushed the can and threw it into the bin.  
  
"You can't intimidate me, Usagi!" Cried Ryuichi, betrayed by the looks he kept glancing at the crushed can. Yuki just headed dazedly back to bed. "Let's escape now." He suggested to his companions in a whisper, snagging a stunned Shuichi who knew better than to make too much noise when Yuki was in one of his moods (well lets just pretend he knew better, which he didn't really, as has been seen many, many times, he continuously pushes Yuki to the point that homicide would be less a crime more a mercy - but suspend your disbelief in this one instance - Shuichi went relatively quietly).  
  
About ten steps anyway. 


	4. 4

*************** * * * * * ** ** ** * ** * ** * ** * ** *  
  
Ryuichi struggled under the weight of his recently liberated son. Sure Shuichi was smaller and lighter than Ryuichi himself, but just like Shuichi, eating enormous amounts of food and doing regular to excessive physical exercise did not equate to being particularly muscular. Sure he could do 24 levels of Dance Dance Revolution without breaking a sweat but when it came to carrying someone close to his own size . . . damn. Luckily he had learnt a trick from Tohma to deal with this. . . erm. . . shortcoming.  
  
"K! Carry Shu-chan!" Ordered Ryuichi imperiously. The natural blonde hefted the pink haired boy easily over his shoulder since the squealing and struggling had stopped immediately (well immediately after K ground his gun barrel into Shuichi's head anyway). "We need to go somewhere they'll never think of looking for us!" Well. That immediately ruled out Tokyo Tower because if Ryuichi was looking for Ryuichi the first place he would go would be Tokyo Tower. Why? Well who the hell knows? Maybe it was the really cool souvenirs. "Aha! We'll go to NG Studio's! They'll never, ever, ever think to go there!"  
  
K and Sakano facefaulted.  
  
"Ano. . . isn't that the first place they'll look?" Wow. That was an unusually observant (not to mention correct) remark from Shuichi. Too bad he didn't have the brain's to keep it to himself since technically he WANTED to be in the first place they would look. Damn bursts of intelligence!  
  
Argh! There was another one telling him he'd screwed up royally!  
  
"Honto." Murmured Ryuichi to himself humming and harring thoughtfully. "Where else would they not look then. . . "  
  
"Yuki's place?" Suggested Shuichi brightly. Even someone of Ryuichi's limited facilities knew better than to dignify that suggestion with a response. Shuichi, still slung over K's shoulder, went back to pouting with a vengeance (presumably to distract himself from the fact that thong backed bunny suits were a fashion don't).  
  
************ * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Shuichi watched in horror as Ryuichi pointed to the menu while instructing the waitress.  
  
"More cake!"  
  
Shuichi looked horrified from K to Sakano to Ryuichi himself who had an encouraging smile on his face.  
  
"Eat up Shu-chan!" Ryuichi couldn't help feeling confused at Shuichi's petulant look. He didn't understand what was going on at all. He'd spent all night playing princess maker2 and knew exactly how to be a good father now. Yes! Shumagarou was just stressed. Eating cake would lower his stress. Then Shu would be happy and good and not marry the prince of darkness (Yuki).  
  
. . . and could that waitress run. Hadn't she ever heard gun shots before?  
  
If the 6'3", gun-toting gaijin hadn't scared her off, it's fairly certain the 5'5" wailing puddle on the floor would have. Ryuichi noted Shumagarou didn't like cheesecake. The boy had started wailing for Yuki as soon as he saw it. K, reacting on instinct had riddled it with bullets, but instead of thanking K, as he should have, for removing the offensive dessert, Shumagarou was just crying more. There had been no incidents like this in the simulation.  
  
Ryuichi secretly wondered where he might find a young officer and a buxomise pill  
  
*********** * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Ah. Noon. Time to get up. If Shuichi hadn't noticed Yuki's perfect body in repose by now it wasn't going to happen today. Heh. It was a curse to be so good looking.  
  
"Nicotine! Now!" Demanded the perfect body, much to Yuki's chagrin. If he wasn't such a sexy beast he'd quit smoking just to spite himself, but carcinogenic though it might be, he was convinced it made him look cool. Or at least that's how he justified it. Yeah. He could quit anytime, it was just an image thing.  
  
"If I don't get some damn nicotine in the next thirty seconds. . . " Warned his body causing Yuki to eep. The last time he'd ignored a nicotine craving had been horrendous! Unconsciously he rubbed a hand over his scarred hip in remembrance of 'the cheesecake incident'.  
  
Such was a day in the life of Yuki Eiri. Wake up. Fulfil nicotine and caffeine obligations. Watch some soaps (Days of our Lives and The Young and the Restless). Do a little housework. Whip out a few chapters. Back to watch soaps (Icha Icha Paradise and The Bold and the Beautiful). Order some takeout and 'make' dinner (surely raking it out of the container could be considered work).  
  
He wasn't a housewife dammit! He was a domestic artiste!  
  
Yuki plodded over to the couch with his coffee in one hand and the remote in the other and scowled.  
  
His schedule was out already since he'd had to find an open grocery store at 6am to fix his hair.  
  
"Move!" He ordered Tatsuha who was staring dazed at the ceiling. God no! He was drooling on Shuichi's pillow! Now it would have nasty Tats smell and when Brooke dumped Deacon, Yuki would have nothing to cuddle!  
  
Finally an advertisement.  
  
"What's wrong with you?" Yuki asked offhanded.  
  
"Concussion." Replied Tatsuha .  
  
"Hn." Replied Yuki with just a hint of sympathy, having been the recipient of many such injuries since Shuichi came into his life.  
  
"I must have hit my head on something when they came and took Shu." Tatsuha responded, still in complete denial that his idol could be in anyway related to something that caused him pain.  
  
"Hn." Replied Yuki, pretending to be engrossed with the TV.  
  
Tatsuha, being one of two people in the whole entire Universe that understood Yuki-speak (though he may not be as fluent as Shuichi he prided himself on this fact) continued. "I don't know where! He might be molesting Shu right now for all we know!"  
  
Shu was gone? But. . . but. . . who would come home and tell Yuki what a fantastic cook he was? How he was such a great writer? How sexy he was?  
  
'No nagging you smoke to much?' Suggested the body slyly.  
  
"Hn." Replied Yuki.  
  
"You're right!" Cheered Tatsuha. "We need to go watch!"  
  
Yuki looked at his brother coldly.  
  
"Ohh. you said 'Hn.' Gomen. . . You're right! Of course we need to go rescue him . . .ehehe . . "  
  
******* * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Are you sure you're not a Yuki clone in disguise trying to infiltrate my home and destabilize my relationship with Shumagarou?"  
  
Tatsuha, dressed in a school girl outfit shook his head vehemently. His original plan had been to disguise himself as a maid, but this was the best he could find in Shuichi's stuff. So instead he would have to try for babysitter.  
  
"Can you talk to emperor Penguins?" Asked Sakuma innocently.  
  
"Erm. Hai?" Gambled Tatsuha. It was a 50/50 thing.  
  
"You're hired!" Squealed Ryuichi happily.  
  
Damn Eiri. He was probably still at his apartment trying to program the VCR. Boy was Shuichi ever going to be pissed when he found out Aniki had used his precious concert tapes to record soaps. Tatsuha, as a last mercy had hidden all the Nittle Grasper tapes - that would have just been sacrilege.  
  
So here he was executing his brilliant plan. Code name: Infiltrate Sakuma- sama's Home and Free Shuichi (if all went to plan this would involve seducing Sakuma or at the very least seeing him naked).  
  
Ryuichi led Tatsuha through to the lounge room where Shuichi who was still bawling (though admittedly less, given imminent dehydration) ceased to cry immediately. Ryuichi was delighted.  
  
"Ohh! Shumagarou likes you!" He exclaimed delightedly.  
  
Shuichi just stared, memorizing every detail since he doubted he would even see the real Yuki in drag (well there had been that one time, but who could blame him when anyone that had drunk that much coffee in one sitting would act the same way, neee?).  
  
"This is K and this is Cube!" Ryuichi indicated K and Sakano. "And this is Shu-chan and Kuma-chan!" Ryuichi introduced his two babies, seating himself on the sofa next to Shuichi he proceeded to cuddle Kumagarou and chew on his ear (as he habitually tended to do - Kumagarou never complained at any rate) when Shuichi (the shock having worn off) started to sniffle again. Ryuichi panicked trying to understand what had suddenly upset Shumagarou again. . . oh my. . . was Shu-chan jealous? Ryuichi's eye's widened in surprise at the revelation.  
  
"Shu-chan! I love you just as much as I love Kumagarou!!" He declared biting Shuichi's ear to prove it. It was funny really, Tohma had invested years convincing Ryuichi that biting people was not a good thing, but it was worth it to see Shu-chan turn a delightful shade of pink before collapsing into a relaxing sleep (all that crying for joy must have worn him out). Yes, Ryuichi decided, he would definitely have to bite more people in the near future.  
  
"Please bite me too!" Begged the Babysitter. 


	5. 5

*********************** * * * * ********************** * * * * *********************** * * *  
  
Now this was the kind of mission K had never been able to convince Tohma were necessary for the everyday running of NG.  
  
That babysitter. He had this suspicious feeling he knew her from somewhere, but he just couldn't place it. . . . never mind that, he had a mission to concentrate on now.  
  
************* * * * * ************************* * * * * ************************* * * * * **  
  
Bang. Crash.  
  
Yuki, having finished his programming of the VCR (it was a very complicated procedure, involving pliers and two rolls of duct tape) had consequently forgotten why it was necessary to begin with. He had a good idea that he had forgotten something very important, so busied himself with the task of getting smashed so he'd have a reasonable excuse to have forgotten when whoever he was meant to meet called. With a can of beer and a cigarette he clambered onto the Sofa to dedicate the rest of the day to loafing when a very odd noise came from the ventilation pipe overhead.  
  
Why. . . It sounded as if a very large albeit stealthy American were crawling around in there. Curious and curiouser. Especially since this was a closed circuit type ventilation system (installed by request of the landlady after the third Yuki/Shu stalker fell through to her lounge room) and the intruder would effectively be eternally travelling in the apartments figure eight design forever. What was the fool thinking?  
  
One could just as easily ask why whoever it was had gotten in there in the firstplace, but when one had lived with Shindo Shuichi long enough one knew better than to wonder the small details (and Yuki was beginning to think it had been far too long now since having people crawling in his ventilation was no longer the uncommon occurrence it had once been).  
  
He was torn between letting whoever it was think they were undetected and wear themselves out in mobious-strip-ventilation-hell and sheer curiosity (since there was that nagging thing he was supposed to be doing. . . .).  
  
Curiosity won.  
  
****************** ****  
  
Bang! Bang!  
  
K cursed as someone started poking at the ventilation with a broomstick. .. . no wait, that resonance. . . probably a mop (the difference is obvious with experience). He didn't have long to contemplate this, as ventilation ducts are notorious sturdy on the inside, but tend to collapse with the least amount of pressure applied from the outside. Hence the pipe was no longer so much attached to the ceiling but in pieces on the floor.  
  
"Good morning, Mr. Yuki." Drawled K recovering instantly (Experience! Experience!) in his perfect (?) English.  
  
Yuki wondered how someone could fall so far in a tin can and not be injured. He also knew that statement could only be loosely coined English since he had spent some years in America and was pretty sure no one talked like that. Maybe it was a dialect.  
  
"I have a message for you from Mr. Sakuma." In English (?) again.  
  
Maybe K was Australian. Yuki had never met an Australian. At least he didn't think so, maybe he had met dozens but their dialect was unremarkable so he merely hadn't noticed.  
  
"Go on." Prompted Yuki (mentally picturing K in an Akubra) after several minutes of silence. K produced a set of notecards from inside his shirt, and began to read.  
  
"Usagi." That one word had taken just under a minute to translate form the scrawl Ryuichi called handwriting. K was proud of this, as more than 5 years as Ryuichi's manager had truly endowed him with an amazing skill. He hadn't even been fazed by the Egyptian hieroglyphs scattered amongst the katakana. Having successfully decoded the first page, he turned to the next.  
  
"I have successfully reclaimed my progeny from your lair of inequity." This was the part Sakano had suggested. "Please accept this. . . American replacement as a sign of goodwill?" K looked horrified between the paper and Yuki (who looked thankfully disinterested in the proposition). Suddenly Ryuichi's suggestion that K dye his hair pink as a form of cryptic coloration in case Yuki's ventilation ducts were pink inside made perfect sense.  
  
This was war, and sacrifices had to be made. K had willingly accepted this mission, and he wasn't one to back out when things got too tough. He flopped onto the couch wordlessly to begin his new life as Shindo Keiichi, lead singer of Bad Luck. Taking out a notepad he started trying to write lyrics.  
  
Perhaps Yuki had not noticed the substitution.  
  
It would have been a lot easier if Yuki wasn't holding that mop in a pre- offensive strike kinda way with a nervous twitch playing on his temple - no wonder Shuichi was always late getting songs in if this was indicative of his working environment, it could be considered excellent combat training however.  
  
******* ******** ******** ******** ******** ******** ******** ******** ******** *  
  
It appeared that stupidity was contagious . . . and a particularly virile strain had been introduced into NG studios at some point in the past two days. Yuki hoped it wasn't transmittable through bodily fluids since he distinctly remembered kissing Shuichi last night. Then again, maybe Shuichi was immune since he was naturally stupid. That didn't mean he couldn't be a carrier though. Damn.  
  
"Yuki! Yuuu~~~ki!" Called the very-definitely-not-Shuichi man on the other side of the door.  
  
Panting to regain his breath, Yuki reached desperately for the phone, finding it just out of his reach if he wanted to keep the door braced.  
  
Then the banging on the door stopped.  
  
This was a very disturbing thing. It was one of those thebadguyistryingsomethingnew kind of silences that almost always resulted in one of the good guys getting slaughtered - and since Yuki was the only player in the current scene. . . there was only one thing to do in such a situation. Cower in fear.  
  
This course of action was not only boring but also non-productive. Yuki gave up and went to write a few novels's instead.  
  
'Keichi' meanwhile was distracted doing a very Shuichi kind of thing, raiding the fridge (of course this was a cover for Kei who was really making a list of all the common household products that could be used to make explosives).  
  
***** ******** ******** ******** ******** ******** ******** ******** ******** ******** ***  
  
"Yes!" Declared Ryuichi in his best I'm-a-brat-so-deal voice.  
  
"No!" Was Shuichi's I'm-a-brat-so-deal comeback.  
  
Sakano had no idea who was winning the current erm. . . altercation. On one hand Shuichi was at least 5% cuter being just slightly shorter and having the whole pink-hair thing going. Ryuichi however had the Kumagarou advantage. He just hoped neither of them resorted to using special techniques. As if the thought itself was prompt enough, Ryuichi started powering up for a Kuma Biimu. From that stance Shuichi obviously intended to counter with a pink sugar heart attack. This was bad. Very bad. Who knew what kind of chaos would be borne if the beams crossed? All life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light would be Sakano's first guess.  
  
"Stop it you fool's!" Screamed Sakano suddenly (not that anyone would have noticed the slight increase in agitation from Sakano's usual state of perpetual panic). "Do you really want to risk total protonic reversal?"  
  
Two chibi's stared at him non-plussed.  
  
"Tonic is something you drink, ne? Ne?" Asked ChibiShu tugging at his jacket.  
  
"Proctal river seal? Like the aquarium?" Asked ChibiRyu (whose Engrish was after all much better).  
  
"Cube is taking us to the aquarium!" They cheered in unison doing a chibi- dance highly reminiscent of the Macarena.  
  
Sakano secretly congratulated himself on saving the world from near destruction yet again.  
  
"But first.!" Declared Ryuichi to the heavens.  
  
"Bath!" Shuichi and Ryuichi declared, divesting themselves of their clothes and making a mad dash for the bathroom. This was not the lewd vision some people had fantasized it to be (not mentioning any names **cough Tatsuha cough** ) as naked is the natural state of chibi's and they tended to revert to it wherever and whyever possible (not to mention they had about as much sexual definition as a jelly bean).  
  
"I. . . . better go assist!" Suggested Tatsuha sweetly. After all the chibi- no-jutsu consumed mass quantities of ki and could only be maintained so long. . . best to be there when they returned to normal. . . . er. . . incase one of them passed out or something. . . . yeah that was it.  
  
**** ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* *****  
  
Yuki didn't know whom to call.  
  
Kei had cut off the phoneline some time ago and Yuki suspected it was only because he'd taken precautions in the past to make his office Shuichi-proof that he still remained relatively unscathed in this whole affair. If the small explosions that kept shaking the building were any indication it was unlikely the titanium doors would last much longer either. Right now he was regretting his decision that depleted uranium was overkill.  
  
Luckily he had found Shuichi's mobile wedged under one corner of his desk (incidently keeping the desk level due to the missing leg).  
  
If he called the police or his psychiatrist the result would be the same. 'That's right doctor. A large, blonde, American is impersonating my, erm. flatmate. . . yes the one with which I am intimately involved. . . No. He just wants me to keep reading incredibly bad song lyrics at gunpoint.' Maybe a few weeks at a mental health retreat might be just what he needed after all. He'd managed to complete three novels since he's enforced internment so he could afford the time off anyway.  
  
He could call Mika who would unsympathetically tell him this would never have happened if he had returned home and run the family temple like he was supposed too. Telling Tohma would just be indirectly telling Mika.  
  
On a whim he scrolled through Shuichi's phonebook. Rather peevish he noticed he was only number 13. Then again he supposed they were only ordered by entry date rather than importance. So here he was squeezed between Suguru and Pizza Hut. That hurt. Without another thought he reordered himself to the top of the list, bumping Hiro to #2. Heh. That felt good.  
  
. . . . and it started ringing.  
  
"You better have a damn good reason for. . . " Hiro's voice demanded over the line. In surprise Yuki fumbled with the phone. How could he possibly have known?  
  
"I was just. . ." Yuki tried to sound as dignified as possible (failing miserably).  
  
". . . Yuki-san?" Hiro's surprise was evident and Yuki belatedly realized Hiro had thought Shuichi had answered. Haha. Of course he couldn't have known about the phone. Hahah. Its not like he had some kind of sixth sense to tell when someone was messing with Shuichi, was it? Admittedly this was not the first time Yuki had wondered. "Ah. . . . Is Shuichi there?"  
  
"No." It was not an answer extremely beneficial to either party, but Yuki had a reputation as a cold, heartless, bastard to maintain.  
  
"Do you know where he is?"  
  
"No." Well it wasn't a lie. He didn't **know** Shu was at Ryuichi's house. Suspected sure.  
  
"Do you. . . suspect anywhere he might be?"  
  
Yuki glared at the phone. Ineffective maybe, but gratifying.  
  
"He might be at Sakuma's." Yuki admitted.  
  
"If you see him tell him he's three hours late for practice!" Growled Suguru's voice, the owner of which had apparently commandeered the phone, before ending the call.  
  
Great. Just great.  
  
Yuki had hoped he could just sit this one out until the novelty wore out and Shuichi got returned/returned on his own, but now he would HAVE to go rescue Shuichi before Hiro did. 


	6. 6

************* * ************** * ************** * ************** * ************** * *  
  
At some point Ryuichi had cast aside his father role and regressed with Shuichi to age 5 and now the two of them were performing aqua-batics of the type and complexity generally reserved for genuine sealife.  
  
A scream - it was hard to tell who it was since all chibi's spoke in exactly the same tone - aka irritating yet endearing. Staged of course since Ryuichi was humming the Jaws theme while crawling up the bathtub Kraken style.  
  
'Change back now! Change back now!' Chanted Tatsuha mentally as the Kraken latched onto its squirming victim and started to squeeze. Shuichi screamed for mercy.  
  
"That's so weird." Commented Ryuichi who had in fact returned to normal. "What's she doing?" He asked the equally confuzzled, normal-type Shuichi who just shrugged.  
  
They watched in curiosity while Tatsuha turned blue from lack of oxygen, his face still screwed up in concentration with his attempt to disengage the chibi-no-jutsu using sheer will power.  
  
"You'd think she never saw two grown men wrestling in a bath tub before." Commented Sakano wiping away a nosebleed.  
  
The second thing he noticed was the babysitter passing out.  
  
"Don't be silly!" Giggled Ryuichi. "Shu isn't a grown man! He's only a baby!"  
  
*** * *** * *** * *** * *** * *** * *** * *** * *** * *** * *** * *** * *** * *** * *** * *** *  
  
"Care to explain Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde here?" Asked a rather miffed Mika having burst through the wall of Yuki's sanctum. Yuki looked up from where he was creating a decoy of himself (to distract 'Keichi' while he escaped of course) from stationary consumables (he knew it was feasible, he'd used the tactic before on Shuichi - he was however afraid his supply of paperclips was a little on the low side). Removing his welding mask (safety first) Yuki examined the photographs Mika produced, trying not to make eye contact with her terminator eye which was glowing red as it tended to when Mika was not just pissed but homicidally so.  
  
"'That' I'm not even going to ask about." Mika gestured at the cowed and hog-tied K just outside the door. "Explain why and what my darling little brother is wearing." She demanded coldly.  
  
The pictures (featuring Sakano, Ryuichi, Shuichi and Tatsuha) seemed to be taken from the Tohma surveillance network (and from the quality, intimacy and sheer number of shots, Yuki was suddenly very glad he had refused 'home security' compliments of NG).  
  
Oh. And there was a very nice (though disturbing on the grounds that it was almost voyeuristic) shot of a startled Shu in the bath. That was a keeper. Well it would have been if Shu was ALONE in the bath. In the next shot Shuichi and Ryuichi were peering over the edge of the bathtub at Sakano who was giving Tats expired air resuscitation.  
  
That one had potential too. After all he didn't just have a reputation as a cold bastard to maintain, he was a cold SADISTIC bastard, thankyou very much. It didn't hurt to have a little leverage just in case he needed a kidney one day. Why if Tats wasn't the potential organ farm he was, Yuki would have nothing to do with the world's second most annoying brat at all! Of course that couldn't justify why he kept Shuichi (brat #1) around. Maybe Yuki was a masochist too.  
  
"I really don't know." Answered Yuki. It was true. Tatsuha had very clearly said he was going to disguise himself as a French maid. He hadn't said anything about a schoolgirl. Nope.  
  
Mika's twitchy face thing went into overdrive.  
  
"Go get him!" Demanded Mika. Why she hadn't just gone there herself and dragged him home kicking and screaming like she normally would was anyone's guess. If Tatsuha was there he might have suggested it was because Sakuma- sama's home was a holy place and malevolently nasty evil .things couldn't enter. However he was not. Eiri was forced then to believe something mundane (and not as satisfying). Like Mika probably had an appointment with her psych or something (well the poor woman WAS married to Tohma after all). Still it would have been nice to test the hallowed ground theory.  
  
"No." Replied Eiri. Which really, really sucked! He HAD to go rescue Shu before Hiro did it and now he couldn't because Mika said he had to! It really sucked being a cold sado-masochistic bastard. A rustle and a blur and the sound of a large, albeit stealthy, American in his ventilation (again). Okay Mika could have her way just this once.  
  
*************************** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** *  
  
Knock! Knock!  
  
"Who's there?" Asked Ryuichi from the other side of the door. Yuki was very, very tempted to make a joke. Proof again just how much Shuichi had messed up his brain.  
  
"Yuki Eiri."  
  
"Who?" Asked Sakuma innocently.  
  
"Yuki Eiri."  
  
"Whoooooo?" Prompted Sakuma.  
  
"Usagi Yuki?" Asked Yuki, finally realizing it was not just Sakuma having difficulty hearing through the door. This revelation was accompanied by a rather large sweatdrop.  
  
"I should have known you would find my secret base eventually!" Squawked Ryuichi taking Yuki's coat and offering him a pair of house slippers. "Did it take you long to find this place?"  
  
"Yes! I would never have thought to look for you in your home." Remarked Yuki dryly to the cackling Ryuichi. "I'm here for Shuichi." And Tatsuha. But not out loud. Thinking is enough.  
  
"You and which army?"  
  
Yuki pointed at Tatsuha who sighed and slipped off his wig.  
  
Ryuichi screamed.  
  
Sakano, who had been casting cow eyes at the 'babysitter' all afternoon, suddenly didn't feel so good.  
  
"You said you weren't an evil Yuki clone!" Ryuichi accused.  
  
"I was going to defect to your side! Honest!" Defended Tatsuha.  
  
Without warning, Shuichi, who had remained unusually quiet through out the exchange (naturally in hopes he could still somehow wheedle a trip to the aquarium) leapt to his feet, running past Yuki to pounce on whomever it was who had just entered Ryuichi's home.  
  
"OHOHOHOHOHO" Declared Mika stepping around the doorframe. "I should have known Eiri would need backup."  
  
The very picture of Shuichi purring while rubbing himself cat style around Mika's ankles was disturbing. Extremely disturbing.  
  
"Why are you all looking at me like that?" Asked Shuichi to the room as Mika tousled his hair affectionately.  
  
"Shuichi. . . that's. . . Mika!" Explained Ryuichi, taking Mika's coat to the closet.  
  
"So?" Yes Mika. Beautiful Mika. This was how Yuki would look once Shuichi manipulated him into having a sex change. Then who would be seme? Eh? Eh?  
  
"Oh god no! Her evil vibes are affecting Shu-chan!" Screamed Tatsuha as Shuichi's eyes glazed over.  
  
Suddenly the door was kicked in.. Well for everybody in the room. For the one doing the actual kicking it was quite expected. It was particularly a surprise to the door however, since it had not actually been in any way, shape or form, locked (or come to think of it, closed, but who needs a perfect plot anyway?).  
  
"Hiro!" Announced the stunned audience (except of course the door, which couldn't say anything at all since it was just a door na no da!).  
  
It was, of course, Hiro at the door.  
  
Hiro suavely strode into the room, guitar strung over his back casually (one presumes so he could play it as he rode off into the sunset later). He flipped his hair over his shoulder casually, smiled with sparkleys (which would have caused all the girls in the room to swoon except the only even remotely female in the room was Mika and she don't count - in lieu, Sakano pulled off a fairly good facsimile (maybe too good)). With a single glance he summed up the situation, grabbing Shu around the middle with his free arm, he picked him up easily and strode out of the room unopposed.  
  
"My Hiro!" Shuichi was heard to proclaimed once out of range of Mika's deadly evil radiation.  
  
"Kakkoii!" Whispered Ryuichi as the assembled watched Hiro carry off Shuichi like something out of a bad romance novel. A very cheap, very badly edited romance novel in Yuki's opinion.  
  
"Aren't you going to try and get Shuichi back?" Yuki asked Ryuichi who had settled for playing video games now.  
  
"Are you mad?" Asked Ryuichi, staring at Yuki as though he suspected it to be true. Which was really, really disturbing coming from someone who routinely spoke to a pink stuffed rabbit. Everything was disturbing today. "It was Hiro!"  
  
"He did it again!" Whined Yuki pouting. Will not cry. Will not cry. "Hiro did it again!"  
  
"Oh shut up Yuki. We all know Hiro's as straight as an arrow. He's dating Ayaka for crying out loud!" Snapped Mika peevishly (robbed of the easily controlled Shuichi and without other immediately receptive prey (Tatsuha, Eiri and Ryuichi had already warded themselves with various religious paraphernalia whilst Sakano remained unconscious).  
  
Ayaka. Yes Yuki had his suspicions regarding Ayaka. Largely based on the premise Ayaka was just trying to convince Hiro he loved Shuichi, and Hiro would convince Shuichi to elope with him and then where would Eiri be? Married to Ayaka the friggin' Mika-clone, that's where!  
  
** ** ** ** **** ** ** ** **** ** ** ** **** ** ** ** **** ** ** ** **** ** ** ** **** ** ** ** ***  
  
  
  
Notes for the clueless  
  
Cube: Your Butler in the game PM2 (the guy who basically looks after the daughter you're raising)  
  
Kraken: ye olde gigante type squid thing  
  
Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde: The little ghosties in PacMan (who knew they had names?) from memory its blue, green, pink and yellow (in that order) I couldn't help myself throwing in that reference cos its so cute! But probably meant nothing to no one but me :P 


	7. 8

".and so the genetically inferior short people will not be able to reach the top shelf of the supermarket to reach the last box of pocky and will starve! They'll die, Seguchi-san!! Die!" Shuichi finished his verbal report on exactly why he would be refusing to come to work until NG outfitted the studio with vending machines full of pocky by latching onto his employer desperately (possibly in an attempt to gain the height necessary to look him in the eyes so he would understand the full impact of the presentation).  
  
"That's. . . very interesting Shindo-san. But I believe we were discussing the song you're working on." Suggested Tohma, extricating his furry lapels from Shuichi's grasping hands.  
  
"Oh." Stated Shuichi soberly. "That." How to say, he had misinterpreted Tohma's original query. A common mistake, surely anyone could misinterpret 'Shindo-san, how is Bad Lucks new song coming along?' as 'Shindo-san, describe natural selection and what it means to you in 5000 words or less'.  
  
"Hnn." He shrugged meaningfully with an ambiguous shake of his hands as if this explained all. Actually it did, but it wasn't the feigned reassurance or even entertaining excuses Tohma was used to.  
  
Shuichi cringed as Tohma raised THE eyebrow. Shuichi wondered what would happen if Tohma raised the other. One of those end-of-the-world-as-we-know- it things Sakano kept talking about. . . probably.  
  
"I was gonna finish it yesterday (okay start it yesterday) but then I got kidnapped by Sakuma-san and he made me wear this suit but Yuki rescued me and then Tatsuha came over but then Sakuma-san came and kidnapped me again and then Hiro rescues me and. . . and . . . Sakano promised he would take me to Sea World!" Exclaimed Shuichi bursting into tears..  
  
Tohma twitched. Usually this kind of mayhem blew over after 6-8 hours. Either his calculations were off (unlikely) or this was transforming from comedy relief to story arc. He sighed to himself and trudged downheartedly to his office. Admittedly he got off rather lightly when it came to his height due to his preference for signing excessively short lead singers (in fact it was generally believed (by those who didn't know the full details) that ASK had been dismissed for not meeting this requirement).  
  
Sitting down he waited patiently for someone to come and mock his hat.  
  
** ** * ** ** * ** ** * ** ** * ** ** * ** ** * ** ** * ** ** * ** ** * ** ** * ** ** * ** ** * ** .  
  
"So you see, padawan, this is why Ayaka, Mika and Fujisaki are evil." Finished K, pointing at his diagram while Shuichi stared confuzzled. "Girls = bad."  
  
"Suguru is a girl?" Shuichi gasped.  
  
"Close enough." Mistah K dismissed.  
  
"Ah. That explains everything!" Cheered Shuichi. Everything. The PMS-like moodswings (well obviously it WAS PMS, duh!), the way he walked, the way he checked out the stage hands butts when he thought no one was watching, the way he dressed. . . . 'She' Shuichi amended. Damn. And here he was thinking up to now that Suguru was just gay!  
  
"But she's very sensitive about it, so don't say anything." Whispered K conspiratorially.  
  
"Ohhhh."  
  
** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** **  
  
"Yes Ayaka. Yes. He's fine."  
  
"Yes Ayaka. Shuichi is very cute." Responded Hiro with a sweatdrop. He was starting to seriously get the impression that Ayaka had a crush on Shuichi. Oh sure she'd been all nasty to him when she'd been after Yuki, but now it seemed like every second question out of her mouth was regarding Shu. How he was. What he was wearing. Suggestions of things they could do after work. Oh he wanted to believe Ayaka was just interested in Shuichi because he was Hiro's friend and it was something she and Hiro could have in common.  
  
"Yes. Yes. Level 24 I think. . ."  
  
Shuichi's ears perked up at the familiar reference. "27! I beat 24 days ago!" He chimed.  
  
"Level 27." Finished Hiro with a grimace as Shuichi begged to be given the phone. ". . . okay I'll put him on."  
  
"Moshi Moshi!" Squealed Shuichi into the phone genkily. "I know all about your evil plans you psychotic succubus!"  
  
Hiro just presumed this was game-talk and went back to tuning his guitar, which seemed to require perpetual adjustment. Shuichi was sure glad he didn't play guitar.  
  
In Kyoto (or maybe in the 'abandoned' building opposite NG studios, depending on just how willing you were to believe Ayaka was obsessed with breaking up Yuki and Shuichi so she could lay claim to the former) Ayaka fumbled the phone in surprise. She had never thought in a million years the oblivious singer would work out what was going on. In fact she had pretty much based her plans on it. Now she would have to move on to plan B and have the little darling murdered (or something).  
  
Shuichi and Ayaka exchanged barbs, before Shuichi laughed maniacally into the phone and ended the call, passing the phone back to Hiro.  
  
"You and Ayaka seem to get on well." Suggested Hiro slyly (was not jealous, not not not!).  
  
Shuichi's eye's boggled as he turned to face Hiro. What part of calling someone 'a blood sucking, disciple of Nergal the great unclean one' was considered 'getting on'?  
  
Shuichi coughed politely.  
  
"Hiro. I don't think you should see Ayaka anymore."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"She's . . ." AN evil bitch. ". . . in love with someone else and just using you to get to him." Shuichi confided, eye's downcast. He peeked up to see Hiro's reaction to this news. It shouldn't REALLY be too much of a shock. K said all men knew women were the source of all evil and he couldn't figure how it had escaped Shuichi's notice this long.  
  
"I. . . kind of figured that out already." Like 5 minutes ago.  
  
"Ahn. But he doesn't return her feelings!" Justified Shuichi. "Once she understands that, I'm sure she'll do the right thing and get hormone therapy!" Mistaking Hiro's look of complete and utter confusion for hope, Shuichi added, "We can still save her Hiro!"  
  
********************** * * *********************** * * *********************** * *  
  
"Oh. It's you." Remarked Tohma when K entered his office.  
  
K smiled and started setting up surveillance equipment at Tohma's window.  
  
"I think THAT stalker is back." Explained K. It was a well known fact that the building opposite NG (apparently abandoned) was actually sublet to several tabloid reporters and stalkers at any one time (but never Ryuichi stalkers, Tatsuha was very discerning with his tenants). K took great delight in 'stalker- spotting', and this one was one of his favorites - classically equipped with cell and binoculars rather than the cumbersome and expensive more high tech (and less mobile) components she had evaded him twice already. Grinning maniacally he started to assemble his rifle.  
  
"No!" Snapped Tohma thwacking K with a rolled up newspaper..  
  
K Pouted. "But yours is the only office with proper frontage! If I try to make for the roof she'll get away again!" Whined K who had the developing suspicion that Tohma did not approve of one of his managers shooting down fans.  
  
"I still can't believe you went along with this whole father thing." Commented Tohma changing the subject. Painstaking research and detective work had tracked down the source of this whole 'affair' to a copy of Nature Magazine - Reproductive Edition someone had left in the toilet and a two- for-one sale of Kumagarou plushies in the store down the street. Hopefully with these factors removed, life could return to (comparative) normal.  
  
K raised one skeptical eyebrow (a habit everyone seemed to be picking up lately). "Oh? I suppose it was kind of a long shot. . . after all it's not like someone would have. . . oh I don't know. . . altered the age of one of the members of Nittle Grasper to make him appear younger and more marketable when the band was first formed. Which would make it a not so ridiculous claim, ne?"  
  
Tohma gasped.  
  
"Nice hat." K mumbled acerbically on his way out.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`  
  
THE END  
  
(we can only hope. . . or at least I can. . . I never was much good at endings but SEENG AS I can't think of anything better. . . ) 


End file.
